In a move that has left both sides of the political aisle scratching their heads and reaching for their thesauruses, the Trump administration has announced an ambitious new policy to deport one million inhabitants from the United States. However, the targeted individuals aren’t illegal immigrants, as one might anticipate, but rather American citizens who have failed to demonstrate adequate patriotism, as defined by an elaborate points system developed by the administration.

“We need to ensure that the United States is home to the cream of the patriotic crop,” declared Earl Whittaker, top aide to President Trump and mastermind of the scheme, known as the Patriotism Over Population (POP) initiative. “No longer will we tolerate those who are not wholeheartedly supporting our nation. If you don’t bleed red, white, and blue, it’s time to pack your bags.” The administration made it clear that these deportations would affect all unpatriotic individuals, regardless of their political, racial, or socioeconomic background.

Under the POP initiative, citizens will be ranked on a scale from 1 to 100 based on a variety of factors, including the number of American flags they own, the frequency of their national anthem renditions, and their proficiency in using bald eagle emojis in text messages. Moreover, bonus points will be awarded to those who can recite the entire Declaration of Independence from memory or have ever named a child or pet after a Founding Father. The least patriotic million, as determined by this enigmatic points system, will be sent packing to various countries, with Canada and Mexico being top contenders due to their geographic proximity.

*

The deportation of non-patriotic citizens, Whittaker elaborated, is a necessary measure to ensure the United States remains a “beacon of freedom, liberty, and unflinching patriotism.” Critics, however, have deemed the initiative an overreach, raising concerns about the ethics of deporting legal citizens and the accuracy of a patriotism scale based on flag ownership and emoji usage.

No longer will we tolerate those who are not wholeheartedly supporting our nation. If you don't bleed red, white, and blue, it's time to pack your bags.

“We’re talking about uprooting lives based on the number of star-spangled banners in one’s front yard,” said Marianne Hughes, a constitutional law professor at Harvard University. “While we can all agree that patriotism is important, basing it on flag quantity, anthem singing, and eagles in text messages is not only absurd but also counterproductive. It threatens to turn patriotism into a farce.”

*

As the nation grapples with this new initiative and debates the true definition of patriotism, one thing is certain: the administration’s POP initiative continues to make waves. Be sure to tune in for the next update in this rapidly developing story, including a closer look at the controversial points system and exclusive interviews with affected citizens.

The Trump administration, however, remains firm in its stance, with Whittaker defending the points system. “The POP initiative is as American as apple pie,” he asserted. “It’s an innovative way of ensuring that those who reap the benefits of being American are truly patriotic at heart. And if that means they need to know the difference between an eagle emoji and a pigeon emoji, so be it.”

Even as the opposition continues to denounce what they’re calling the “Patriotic Purge,” some citizens are embracing the challenge. Darlene Johnson, a retired school teacher from Wisconsin, has reportedly started an online study group to help neighbors memorize the Declaration of Independence and identify the correct bald eagle emoji.

*

"We need to ensure that the United States is home to the cream of the patriotic crop," declared Earl Whittaker, top aide to President Trump and mastermind of the scheme, known as the Patriotism Over Population (POP) initiative.

“I’ve got three grandkids, and I’ll be darned if they’re going to be sent to Canada because they got the eagle and the chicken emojis mixed up,” Johnson said. “We’re all pitching in and helping each other out. In a way, this POP thing has brought us all closer together, uniting us in our shared fear and resentment.”

Meanwhile, countries that may potentially receive the unpatriotic deportees are bracing themselves. Canada’s Prime Minister, in a press conference, quipped, “We’re tightening our borders in preparation. We certainly cannot accommodate a million Americans who don’t know their bald eagles from their chickens.”

*

In Mexico, the reaction was more muted. A government spokesperson merely commented, “We’ve got plenty of experience with walls. Maybe it’s time to build one of our own.”

Adding another layer of complexity to the situation, an entrepreneurial wave has been sparked by the POP initiative. Businesses selling American flags, patriotic paraphernalia, and even patriotic pet-naming consultation services are booming.

However, the question remains whether the administration’s drastic measure will foster genuine patriotism or simply create a nation of flag-waving, eagle-texting citizens devoid of any deeper understanding of what it means to be American.

*

As the POP initiative pushes forward, the nation will be watching, judging, and perhaps, singing ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ just a bit louder. Whether this audacious program will successfully weed out the apathetic or simply reduce patriotism to a numerical score is yet to be seen. And while the efficacy of the POP initiative is debatable, one thing is clear: for the Trump administration, the proof of patriotism lies in the eagles, the banners, and the recitation of 18th-century documents.