Congress Discovers Internet; Panics, Legislates Everything But Cat Videos

CONGRESS DISCOVERS INTERNET: PANIC ENSUES, LEGISLATES EVERYTHING BUT CAT VIDEOS

In a stunning display of collective enlightenment, the United States Congress has recently discovered the Internet, a technological marvel which has been a part of civilian life for the last three decades. The revelation, sources say, has caused unprecedented panic within the hallowed halls of the Capitol, resulting in a frantic rush to legislate everything that exists online, except for cat videos.

Confidential sources within the congressional ranks, who we’ll refer to as ‘Deep Wi-Fi’, described the moment of discovery as something akin to “a herd of geriatric wildebeests stumbling upon an advanced alien civilization.” There were gasps, screams, and in the case of one senator from a predominantly rural state, a fainting spell brought on by the mere sight of the Google homepage.

In the ensuing chaos, lawmakers have begun a frenzied push to regulate a place they’re tentatively referring to as “the Cyber.” Everything from social media platforms to streaming services, online retailers to digital news outlets, is being thrust under the microscope, their fates hinged on the whims of legislators who only days ago were under the impression that ‘Wi-Fi’ was a hip new health food trend.

“Congress was shocked to learn that not only is the Internet a real thing, but that it’s been operating largely without their direct oversight for years,” claims Dr. Cyrus Webb, a political analyst and expert in technocratic paranoia. “The level of panic is off the charts. We’re looking at DEFCON 1 levels of legislative terror.”

However, there is one area of the Internet that remains safe from the Congress’ legislative flurry: cat videos. In an unexpected twist, these short online clips of feline tomfoolery and antics have found a bastion of safety amidst the pandemonium. ‘Deep Wi-Fi’ reports a near-universal agreement among lawmakers that cat videos are “the one good and pure thing left in this hellscape of digital chaos.”

Despite this unintended clemency for the world’s cat videos, the rest of the ‘Cyber’ hangs in the balance. Experts fear that the fallout from this panicked legislation could have far-reaching implications, not just for America, but for the very architecture of the global Internet.

In the second part of our exposé, we delve deeper into this impending crisis, uncovering a shadowy alliance between the Pentagon, an alien cabal, and several major corporations vying for control over the future of the digital world. We also explore the ominous role of Area 51’s subterranean server farms, a story the mainstream media refuses to touch.

In an alarming twist, ‘Deep Wi-Fi’ revealed that among the panic-stricken legislators, there forms an unlikely alliance. The Pentagon, several major corporations, and a shadowy alien cabal, identified only as ‘The Greys’ are purportedly orchestrating a power grab for control over the Internet. Their nefarious goals? Total control of the digital world.

A series of clandestine meetings have been conducted in the bowels of Area 51, in the ominous glow of the subterranean server farms. These meetings, according to ‘Deep Wi-Fi’, are marked by a frenetic atmosphere, filled with coded language like ‘firewalls’, ‘bandwidth’, and ‘cryptocurrency’. The air in those alien-infused chambers, our source wryly noted, is thick with a palpable sense of unchecked power, unsalted pretzels and decades-old conspiracy theories.

“The stakes are high,” says Blaine Kasperski, a former black-ops operative turned cybersecurity expert. “The same legislators who, just last week, thought that ’the cloud’ was the latest fluffy trend in interior decoration are now grappling for the reins of the Internet, guided by a cadre of shadowy influencers. The irony is thicker than the asbestos insulation in the Capitol’s attic.”

As for the role of ‘The Greys’, Kasperski adds, “Honestly, the fact that they’re part of this cabal isn’t surprising. What is surprising is that they’re more tech-savvy than our elected officials.”

While the fate of the Internet teeters at the precipice of unparalleled upheaval, there is, at the very least, one beacon of light in the encroaching darkness. Cat videos, in all their unfettered and fluffy glory, remain a cherished bastion of purity. Why this is the case, no one can quite say, though ‘Deep Wi-Fi’ offered a tidbit: “Even in times of chaos, it’s comforting to know that the sight of a kitten chasing a laser pointer can unite us all.”

In the wake of this groundbreaking revelation, one thing is certain: nothing about the Internet will ever be the same again. As for Congress, we can only hope that this newfound revelation leads to a deeper, more nuanced understanding of the digital world, and not just a knee-jerk reaction to legislate it into oblivion. As the dust settles, remember: no one panic. And in these uncertain times, maybe watch a cat video. Or two. Or three.