In the course of a routine audit of recently declassified intelligence transcripts, Signal Leaks has uncovered a thread of communications suggesting the accidental discovery of a fifth dimension by popular podcaster and MMA commentator, Joe Rogan, during a debate on the merits of the ketogenic diet with a panel of sentient chimpanzees.
The exchange, held ostensibly to gather data on primate cognitive response to dietary changes for a joint venture between Pfizer and the San Diego Zoo, took an unexpected turn when Rogan, after consuming a high-fat, low-carb meal prepared by the chimps, spontaneously accessed what experts from the Department of Defense’s Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) are calling “a hitherto unexplored dimensional plane.”
Rogan, best known for his probing interviews and predilection for DMT, was apparently utilizing an experimental brainwave headset – a clandestine project by Elon Musk’s Neuralink – to communicate with the primates. Before the inexplicable event, the conversation centered around the protein intake of Bonobo apes following a ketogenic diet.
However, the dialogue deviated sharply from dietary considerations when Rogan, in a state of heightened ketosis recorded by a Blackwater-operated surveillance drone, began describing a ‘hyper-cubic’ realm where time and space were as manipulable as Play-Doh in the hands of a Kindergartener.
The transcript suggests that Rogan’s brainwaves, amplified by the Neuralink device, combined with the extreme state of ketosis, somehow opened a portal to this fifth dimension. The chimpanzees, perhaps due to the cognitive enhancements provided by the keto diet and Pfizer’s experimental cognitive enhancers, followed Rogan into this newly discovered realm.
Upon their return, the chimpanzees demonstrated a marked increase in intelligence, as well as the unprecedented ability to manipulate physical objects without any contact, in direct violation of Newton’s laws of motion. DARPA is currently in intense negotiations with Blackwater and Big Pharma giants to secure exclusive rights to this mind-bending discovery for still unknown purposes.
Subsequent interviews with Rogan and the chimpanzees have yielded little additional information, with Rogan repeatedly insisting that he was simply “too high” to remember the incident. The chimpanzees, for their part, have refused to communicate further, instead choosing to spend their time drawing complex mathematical equations on their enclosures with handfuls of keto-approved macadamia nuts.
The implications of this event are as far-reaching as they are disturbing. It is clear that we have only scratched the surface of a much larger, more insidious iceberg lurking beneath the placid surface of our understanding. The role of Big Pharma, tech giants, and private military contractors in this incident warrants further scrutiny.
Our source within Blackwater, who has requested to remain anonymous due to fears of retribution from the company’s notorious “Clean-Up Crew”, has promised to provide us with more information as the situation evolves. In the meantime, the world waits for further word from Rogan and the increasingly enigmatic chimpanzees. Until then, the fifth dimension remains a tantalizing mystery, a testament to the twisted labyrinth of reality that stretches far beyond our limited comprehension.