In an unprecedented move that has left many in education and government scratching their heads, former President Donald Trump has announced a strategic plan to defund Harvard University, starting with its student cafeterias. The decision comes after acquiring legal counsel from Alan Dershowitz, a Harvard law professor and frequent Fox News contributor.
Trump’s strategy hinges on what he refers to as a “ground-up approach” to dismantling what he believes is an institution riddled with “liberal indoctrination.” Insiders say the ex-president has earmarked the student dining halls as the initial target, following advice from Dershowitz that “nothing says ‘wake up call’ like a sudden shortage of tofu scramble and organic quinoa.”
In a statement released on the former President’s new social media platform, Trump Media & Technology Group, Trump expounded on his rationale. “The fancy food these Harvard kids are eating, it’s out of control. Enough with the avocado toast and kale smoothies. It’s time to teach these elites a lesson about real America. We’re going to defund their cafeterias and make them eat hot dogs and apple pie. Just like the good old days.”
The former president’s unconventional approach extends to the method of ‘defunding’ as well. Trump is reportedly working with a consortium of loyal business moguls to create a nationwide ketchup shortage. They hope this will lead to a domino effect on other condiments and eventually the entire food supply chain of colleges across the country. Dershowitz, ever the provocateur, has apparently suggested this condiment crackdown as a legal loophole to sidestep federal funding regulations.
Critics have called the move ill-conceived, with some, like Senator Elizabeth Warren, even dubbing it “a new low” in Trump’s long history of divisive tactics. “Defunding the cafeterias to make a political point,” she stated in a recent press conference, “is like trying to dismantle a car by starting with the cup holders.”
" Insiders say the ex-president has earmarked the student dining halls as the initial target, following advice from Dershowitz that "nothing says 'wake up call' like a sudden shortage of tofu scramble and organic quinoa.
As absurd as this strategy may seem, the implications are grave. An estimated 6,700 undergraduate students currently enrolled at Harvard would bear the brunt of this sudden cafeteria defunding. The ripple effect on the university’s operations and the morale of its student body are difficult to predict, but experts agree that the fallout will be significant.
However, despite the widespread confusion and outrage, Trump shows no sign of backing down. As the details of this strategy continue to unfold, the nation watches with bated breath. The question on everyone’s mind: Will Harvard’s cafeterias be the first domino to topple in Trump’s war on elite education? Or is this just another blusterous attempt to stir the pot in the simmering stew of America’s culture wars?
The story continues to develop, with Trump promising further announcements pertaining to his “war on the ivory towers” in the coming weeks. As one unnamed source from within his camp cryptically hinted, “The cafeterias are just the start. Wait till you see what we have planned for the libraries.”
Responding to the former president’s statements, Harvard University issued a brief press release, stating, “We are aware of the situations evolving around our cafeterias and are closely monitoring the developments. Our primary concern remains the welfare and education of our students.”
Already, however, there are rumblings of discontent on the Harvard campus. Student groups have started online petitions, and there’s talk of organizing a sit-in – or rather a ‘dine-in’ – to protest these outlandish threats. One student, who wished to remain anonymous, told us, “If they think we’re going down without a fight, they’ve underestimated the power of a Harvard student on an empty stomach.”
Wait till you see what we have planned for the libraries.
Across the nation, other elite institutions are watching the unfolding drama with a mix of concern and disbelief. “It’s like a bizarrely academic game of chicken,” mused Yale University President Peter Salovey. “But we are united in our resolve to defend the principles of higher education – and our students’ right to choose their own lunches.”
The decision to target Harvard’s cafeterias seems particularly bewildering given Trump’s previous interactions with the university. His niece, Mary Trump, is an alumnus and he himself has been a guest speaker at the university’s business school on several occasions.
Insiders within Trump’s camp have hinted that this move is only the beginning of a larger campaign to ‘reform’ the nation’s elite educational institutions. One source, who wished not to be named, revealed, “He’s got plans for the ivy leagues you wouldn’t believe. He’s talking fraternities, sororities, even the campus squirrels.”
Yet, even as Trump promises further assaults on what he calls ’elitist education’, the nation waits to see whether these lofty threats will materialize into action. Will the future Harvard student have to trade their sushi and bagels for hot dogs and apple pies?
“It’s a preposterous idea,” scoffs Professor Lawrence Tribe, a Harvard Law School faculty member and constitutional scholar. “The only thing Trump is likely to accomplish with this harebrained scheme is to make himself the laughingstock of the academic world. He’d have more success trying to convince New Yorkers to replace their morning coffee with Tang.”
As the nation waits with bated breath, the question remains: will this be the first step in a larger battle against the nation’s universities? Or will Trump’s ‘war on elite education’ go the way of his attempted social media empire – much buzz, but little bite?
Only time will tell. For now, the students of Harvard continue to enjoy their avocado toast, albeit with a side of apprehension. The cafeterias remain open, the quinoa is plentiful, and the spirit of academic excellence remains undeterred. Rest assured, we will continue to cover this unfolding saga of cafeteria politics, bringing you the latest in this high-stakes game of food fight.