SIGNAL LEAKS
Fiction—until it isn't

Clinton Endorses Cuomo for NYC Mayor

Clinton Endorses Cuomo for NYC Mayor
Credit: Unknown

In a move that rocked the political world and left satnavs scrambling to recalculate the shortest route to the often fateful 2022 New York City mayoral election, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has endorsed Andrew Cuomo, a candidate who, until this moment, was not even aware he was running. Cuomo, who had been quietly enjoying his regular morning routine of espresso and existential angst, found himself thrust into the limelight of city politics when Clinton, in a surprise Zoom call, declared him the “best hope for a brighter tomorrow" in the city that never sleeps, except, potentially, at the polling station.

“This endorsement comes not a moment too soon, as the race for the mayoral seat heats up in a city that is just about starting to cool down from climate change,” Clinton declared during her morning book club meeting. The announcement was met with a mixture of shock, confusion, and an unprecedented surge in online searches for “Is Andrew Cuomo running for NYC Mayor?” It was also at this moment that many New Yorkers realized they were part of a book club with the former Secretary of State. The chosen book of the month, incidentally, was Cuomo’s own memoir, “American Crisis: Leadership Lessons from the COVID-19 Pandemic,” a selection that can only be described as a cosmic coincidence.

Cuomo, for his part, appeared to accept this unexpected nomination with a tempered enthusiasm, stating, “I had intended to spend the day questioning my life choices over a cup of coffee, but I suppose running for mayor is a close second.” He went on to add, “This is an opportunity to bring the sort of groundbreaking leadership that only someone who didn’t know they were running until five minutes ago can bring.”

Political analysts are hailing the endorsement as a game-changer, comparable to a basketball game where the hoop suddenly moves in the final seconds. The news has already sent shockwaves through the current pool of mayoral hopefuls, prompting them to revisit their campaign strategies and reconsider their positions on key issues such as affordable housing, education reform, and whether or not they should also be endorsed by surprise.

This is an opportunity to bring the sort of groundbreaking leadership that only someone who didn't know they were running until five minutes ago can bring.

As the dust settles on this news, one thing is clear: The race for the mayoral seat has just become more unpredictable. And in a city where a rat carrying a slice of pizza can become an overnight sensation, unpredictability is the one constant. How this will shape the political landscape as we head into the crux of the campaign season remains to be seen…

Meanwhile, in an unexpected turn of events, the city’s resident pigeons have expressed their disgruntlement over the shocking news, with one particularly outspoken feathered New Yorker stating, “We’ve been cooing concerns for years and no candidate has addressed the scarcity of bagel crumbs in Central Park.”

The pigeon’s statement, recorded and tweeted by an amused passerby, quickly went viral and has since sparked a heated debate amongst the city’s animal inhabitants. Subway rats have come forward in solidarity with the pigeons, while Central Park squirrels have reportedly begun organizing an interspecies town hall meeting. In a city where animals are not only witnesses but also victimized constituents, their opinions hold weight and, oddly enough, are sometimes the most rational.

Leadership is about resilience and the ability to adapt. If Cuomo can shift from existential angst to mayoral candidate in the blink of an eye, he's got what it takes to run a city that moves at the speed of a taxi stuck in rush hour traffic.

In the midst of this increasingly chaotic political scene, Clinton’s endorsement of Cuomo has not been without controversy. Critics argue that citing someone’s leadership during a global pandemic may not necessarily qualify them for a successful stint in city hall. Especially when that individual was not even aware he was in the race until his morning espresso was so rudely interrupted.

“Clinton’s endorsement of Cuomo is as confusing as her choice of a pantsuit for a beach party,” observed independent political analyst Richard McDowell. “Not only does he lack campaign infrastructure, but his knowledge of the mayoral race until this morning was as limited as a goldfish’s memory.”

In response to the criticism, Clinton retorted with a tweet that read, “Leadership is about resilience and the ability to adapt. If Cuomo can shift from existential angst to mayoral candidate in the blink of an eye, he’s got what it takes to run a city that moves at the speed of a taxi stuck in rush hour traffic.”

As the city continues to reel from Clinton’s surprise endorsement, Cuomo has reportedly begun his day with a second cup of espresso, a move that some are interpreting as his silent acceptance of the nomination. While the city waits for him to officially announce his candidacy, one thing is clear - the race for mayoral office is starting to look more like an episode of a reality TV show than a political campaign.

Whether or not Cuomo will follow through remains to be seen. However, one thing is certain: in a city that thrives on chaos and unpredictability, the 2022 mayoral race is shaping up to be one of the most memorable in recent history. From surprise endorsements to pigeons demanding more bagel crumbs, it seems that New York politics is as vibrant and eccentric as the city itself. Clinton’s endorsement has thrown a wrench into an already tumultuous race, and New Yorkers are buckling up for what promises to be a wild ride to the ballot box.